This is our blog.
A thought occurred to me recently. I have never felt so full of worth, so full of purpose, as I do now. To clarify, pregnancy hasn't changed my worth or value. But the value I put on myself seems to have magnified a thousand times over. I feel I have to take much better care of myself, because taking care of myself means taking care of my babies. Sure, pregnancy is hard. It can be uncomfortable, painful, and even miserable at times. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. My whole life has led up to this. My whole life, I have wanted this. And now, in spite of it all--the challenges, the hardships, the fertility issues--everything, it is finally happening. I am a Momma. While yes, there has been some slight nausea, a bit of back pain, minor sleep loss, and the teensiest bit of weight gain, I feel so whole. There is life growing within me. TWO lives. I just hope that I can be worthy of this incredible blessing that I've been given.
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My little Beans at 12 weeks. Aww, they're spooning.
I'm not going to lie. I've suffered some serious depression in my past. And I would be lying if I told you that I had never considered taking my own life during some of those more difficult times. During my lowest moments, I felt as though my life were meaningless, that it had no value. That if I died, nothing would be affected. That nothing would change.
But I have everything to live for, especially now. My purpose in life as a Momma is one of the most important purposes of all. Having wanted this long before I was even old enough to be a Momma, then having to wait what seemed like an eternity, I often felt as if it would never happen. That I was destined to walk the earth alone and childless, with no real direction or sense of self worth. Years and years went by. I was the very last of my friends to marry. What was wrong with me, I thought, that no one wanted me? But my problem wasn't that no one wanted me. The right one had not yet come along. I have always had a problem being patient with the Lord's Timetable.
It may not be marriage or Motherhood--maybe it is a career or something else. If what you want more than anything hasn't arrived, despite your best efforts: keep going. Just keep going. Know that not everything happens on your own timetable. Sometimes God has other plans for us. This is a lesson I am still learning. Its hard when you're a control freak and you feel like you should be able to control every aspect of your life. You can't. Just let go.