Twin Update: Some Difficult News

First I need to start out by saying this: I don't need anyone's sympathy. I don't want you to say "I'm sorry" or "I can't imagine what it would be like". I don't want any phone calls or hugs or sympathetic looks. I just need everyone's prayers. I need the whole world to pray as hard as they can for my little ones that are growing within me.

"Faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." - Ether 12:6

Today, we had another ultrasound. I've learned from past experience not to get excited for these ultrasounds anymore. Sure, I get to see my babies. I can watch them move and see all their little arms and little legs. But with every ultrasound has come bad news. And as time goes on, the news has just gotten worse. I now dread Ultrasound Days.

Let me start off by saying that our bigger baby boy is growing perfectly. He is and has always been right on schedule with his growth.

Our littler baby however, is a different story.

I'm currently 19 weeks gestation. Three weeks ago, Little was two weeks behind in growth. That in and of itself caused concern with the doctors at the Perinatal Unit of UVRMC. Today, he is a whopping three weeks behind. He has only one cm of amniotic fluid, whereas Big has a normal 6 cm of fluid. The doctors are fairly certain he has clubbed feet, which I wish I could say that was the worst of our concerns.

We keep hearing the same thing about our Little. "We don't know what's wrong, but we know there is definitely something wrong." We're told that there are four possibilities are being considered:

Down's Syndrome: A chromosomal defect where the baby has 3 #21 chromosomes instead of the normal 2. This is a condition that most people know about - we've all met someone at one time or another with Down's Syndrome, so I won't go into detail.

Cystic Fibrosis: This is a gene disorder caused when one or both parents are carriers of the cystic fibrosis gene. Being a carrier doesn't mean you necessarily have it, but it does mean you can pass it down to your children. Cystic fibrosis affects your lungs and can affect your body's ability to digest food. Those living with this condition are prone to frequent lung infections.

Trisomy 18: A chromosomal defect where the baby has 3 #18 chromosomes instead of the normal 2. Babies with this are often stillborn. If they do survive past birth, they typically don't live past their first birthday.

Potter's Syndrome: This is a condition in which the baby's kidneys are missing. The specialists at the Perinatal unit have never been able, using the sonogram, to see kidneys on Little. If he doesn't have kidneys, that could be the cause for the slow growth thus far and low amniotic fluid. Kidneys are essential to viability. If he doesn't have kidneys, he can live no more than 24 hours outside the womb. "What about a kidney transplant?" we asked. The answer: Not possible on a newborn.

I am not sure what to think or feel. I am not sure if I should set up both cribs or just one. I'm not sure if I should keep buying matching sets of baby clothes or start buying for just one baby. I don't know if we should get a minivan or keep the car that we have, since one baby would fit in our current car, whereas two would not. I have to begin the process of mentally preparing myself for the worst case scenario. But I can't. I just can't allow myself to think like that. I also can't allow myself to put effort or energy into preparing for two babies if I'm only going to take home just one. For now all I can do is pray harder than I've ever prayed before.

Our next step is genetic testing. We will know more once those tests have been completed and the results come back. Just as everything has been with this pregnancy, we'll just have to wait and see. And although these kinds of posts can be incredibly emotionally draining to write, I will try to keep everyone updated.