The Cause and the Blame

Imagine you are driving along the freeway, going the speed limit. It is a beautiful, clear day. The only passengers in your vehicle are your two brand new babies: twin boys, only days old. You have safely strapped them into their car seats in the back seat. They are fast asleep.

Now imagine that out of the clear blue, a drunk driver swerves into your lane from the left. You try to swerve to miss him, but it's just too late. With a deafening sound, the back of your car slams into the other car. You come to a stop.

One of your babies is dead. The other has severe damage to his brain. Your lives have been forever altered by this one moment.

Now, in spite of the fact that it was a drunk driver that caused the accident, you would blame yourself. You would think that maybe it wouldn't have happened if you had just taken a different road, or left a few minutes earlier or later, or not left the house at all. Or maybe if you'd braked sooner or swerved differently. If you'd just done something - anything - different. Then both of your boys would be alive and perfectly healthy.

 That car in the example above was not a car, it was my body. And that drunk driver was not a drunk driver at all, but a virus called cytomegalovirus, or CMV. My babies were just fetuses, at only eight weeks gestation. Somehow around that time, I became infected with that virus and as a result, my "Little," my Raven got sick and then sicker, weaker and smaller, until at 23 weeks gestation his tiny, once beating heart gave out. Then it started on Roman. It got into his head and just feasted on his brain. And all I can think is: It's all my fault.

If only I'd taken more vitamins.
If only I hadn't left the house and exposed myself to the virus.
If only I'd taken better care of myself, my immune system would have been able to fight it off.
If only I'd washed and sanitized my hands more frequently.
If only I'd just been more careful in general.

Raven would still be alive.

Roman would be a healthy, normal baby.

If only.

I brought up the drunk driver example to illustrate my feelings on this because in that example, according to the rest of the world, of course you're not at fault. How could you have predicted that happening? But no matter how many people try to talk sense into you, it doesn't change the fact that it happened and there were a dozen things you could have done to prevent it. And you didn't do those things. And your baby died because of something you did or didn't do.

 Just today I was given the results of a recent ct scan that was performed on Roman, which revealed calcifications on his brain. This indicates that he was infected by the CMV virus early on during pregnancy. We need to find out if he is still infected, because if he is, it could cause further neurological damage and possibly even hearing loss.

I will leave this on a positive note: The good news we received today is that Roman will NOT need surgery to reshape his skull! He will most likely just be fitted with a helmet. Maybe we will have it painted like this: